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Apparently it is possible to complete a triathlon with only one of your two contact lenses in place.

I know this for a fact. Yesterday I raced my first triathlon and discovered the sublime joys of being able to only partially see for most of the race.

Nobody tells you that when you leave your goggles on your forehead and not in front of your eyes that they’re completely freaking useless and that you’re going to lose a contact lens within the first 10 seconds of swimming. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Why I decided to try that little stunt is completely beyond me.

They also don’t tell you that after that first “oh shit” moment, when swimming with your goggles full of water you’re going to have to stop a second time to empty them if you put them on while you’re still under water. They also forget to tell you that by the time you’ve done so you’re completely disoriented and don’t know where the fuck you are so you have to stop a 3rd time to sort that out.

So I survived the swim and transitioned to the bike through a complete haze of panic, all the time wondering why I couldn’t see straight. Believe me, when you think you can’t see straight because you’ve just popped a blood vessel in the eye, you tend to panic a little. But did I stop, nooooooo. Not me.

It was only on the run part, approximately when I was wondering what crazed lunatic had planted the insane notion inside of my poor little impressionable brain that I could possibly race a triathlon that I realized that I’d lost a contact lens. I know this because I figured it out by staring at the first mile marker and noticed that I could see it with my right eye but not my left eye. I also remember this distinctly because at about that point I was wondering who had taken my legs, sucked out all the muscle tissue and replaced it with jello. And when I say jello, I really mean liquid jello.

Nobody tells you just how much the transition from bike to run will suck. Oh, they tell you it will hurt. They tell you that it is going to be painful. But what they don’t tell you is that you’re going to want to gnash your teeth and cry great volumes of baby tears because there is no way in hell you could possibly put another foot in front of you. And yet somehow you do.

I don’t think anyone can actually adequately prepare you for that experience without taking you on a brick workout which, naturally, I hadn’t done because of my less-than-healed ankle.

Strangely enough, though, at about the 1 1/2 mile mark (just as the course started going uphill) I began to think that maybe, just maybe, there was a possibility that I might be able to finish this little torture fest (over the past 2 1/2 months I’ve only run about 3 times because I completely screwed up my Achilles tendon by twisting my ankle whilst running - I’ve been going to physical therapy and the ankle is slowly healing, but it is by no means completely healed).

And surprisingly enough, my last mile split was the fastest of the 3 and I managed to average a 7:00 pace for the run. Not super fast, but I was seriously impressed with myself for managing that after not running for a long time and after coming off of a bike ride. They also don’t tell you that passing other runners is wicked cool motivation.

So yesterday I finished my first triathlon and came in 14th overall. Granted it was a small triathlon with only about 80 people participating, the swim was short - 250 yard pool swim, and the ride was short - 10 miles, but I’m still feeling fairly pleased with myself.

Now I just need to make sure that I rehabilitate my ankle and work on improving my biking and running for the next event. I know, however, that I’ll never forget my goggles again.

Oh: I should say that I’ve got the best coach ever: I started training for triathlons at the start of the year. Prior to that all I had done was pretend to be a gym rat. I hadn’t run in 20+ years, hadn’t been on a bicycle in more than 10 years (and then only briefly), and hadn’t seen a pool in god knows how long. Since then I’ve run a grand total of 167 miles (of which only 27 occurred in the last 2 months), have cycled about 900 miles, and have swum about 10 miles, with only 750 yards in the last 2 months. As a coach, Kerry has taken me from being completely incompetent to being able to finish a triathlon in a reasonably respectable time. We’ll see how the rest of the season goes, but right now I’m feeling fairly happy with my progress.