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Lately I’ve been trying to reform my drinking habits. As in I need to drink more rather than less, especially during the day while at work, and especially during those long, obnoxious, insanely boring meetings where you’d rather be slowly rotating a diamond-tipped drill bit in your eye than spending a millisecond longer in the meeting.

Ah yes, meetings and drinking. A match made in heaven.

Let me impart unto those of you who are only cautious or irregular imbibers some of the multitudinous benefits of increasing one’s daily intake:

1. It can reduce your risk of heart disease. Not that you care about this in meetings, but it is a benefit.
2. It helps to regulate your body temperature. Useful in those rooms-from-hell that don’t have good temperature regulation.
3. You can burn more fat and build more muscle. Ok, so this one’s a little out there.
4. Headaches can be prevented or alleviated. Very helpful for meetings.
5. It washes away a bad attitude. Again, very helpful for meetings.
6. It helps suppress your appetite. Take note anorexics.
7. It prevents and cures heartburn. The kind you get from listening to fucktards rambling on for 45 minutes at a time.
8. It helps lower blood pressure. Very, very, very useful in meetings if you know what I mean.
9. When you’re thirsty, it just tastes good.
10. It can cool you down when you’re hot. See earlier comment about meeting rooms and temperature regulation.

Best of all, you can carry it around in an unobtrusive bottle and suck it down with gay abandon. Nobody seems to give a shit if mid-sentence you wind up taking a long drag from your bottle. In fact many people seem to gaze appreciatively at you, as though they wish they were doing that themselves.

Which brings me to the most important lesson of this post. When sitting in a chair with your bottle near you, remember to make sure to always close the spout. There are various reasons for this including the fact that your mother always told you that it was unhygienic to leave it open. That, however, is not the most important reason to do so.

You see, if you don’t, there is a very good chance that at some point you will feel something warm and wet slowly seeping into your pants and you’ll stand up in the middle of the meeting looking like you’ve just peed your pants, all the while hurling imprecations at your water bottle.

Mmm, water. The substance of life. And embarrassment.